My mom came to visit for Thanksgiving and we had an absolute blast. Dinner with friends turned into a drunken mess and I apparently thought it would be funny to give my mom a lap dance. She wasn't complaining....apparently she is really into them. Last night we took her to Tokyo Delve's, a hilarious sushi restaurant where the waiters, bartender and sushi chefs sing and dance for you. It was her 65th birthday, and here's what the bartender gave her as a present....
Well, my friend Patrick died today. He was riding his motorcycle and he slammed into a bus and he died. I think I'm in a bit of shock and denial, because it's definitely too soon to be writing about it, and honestly all I can think is "Great, another ghost is gonna ruin my sex life."
Perhaps I should explain.
I was raised to believe some pretty strange stuff about death and dying. For most of my childhood my mom was very into being "An Immortalist." No, not a vampire; simply someone who lives forever. Someone who transcends the need to die. She had health tinctures and youth tonics and drank stinky herbs from a Chinese medicine man. She meditated and got acupuncture before it was cool, and thought a lot about reincarnation.
All of us in LadyPantz have been working in the commercial industry for a number of years now. Some of you may have seen us selling you the new salad at your nearest fast food restaurant, or maybe we convinced you to tune into a specific channel for their Monday night programming, or perhaps we’ve opened your eyes to a new reliable medical insurance that “you too can afford.” But with every commercial we book there is a fair amount of inquiry that comes along with it. Today I’d like to address some Frequently Asked Questions....
Let me first say that I really respect the fact that you've chosen to stay true to who you are and what you look like. I'm sure that being a Television Personality has been difficult with your unusual looks, and I'm impressed that you haven't caved to what I can only assume has been severe peer and industry pressure to have some plastic and reconstructive surgery on your clown-like ball face...
As an actor I often get asked the question, “Who is YOUR favorite actor.” Now one would think that since I am young and female I would give them the name of an actor that I would like to one day emulate. Someone like Charlize Theron for her willingness to take risks with her physical appearance onscreen. Or Marion Cotillard for being so young but able to portray Edith Piaf in voice and character in almost every decade of her life. Or perhaps Meryl Streep for being…well, a badass. But the truth is, every time I am asked this question, the very first person that pops into my mind is a portly, rosy-cheeked, 45-year-old blonde who takes my breath away every single time...
I think Christopher Guest makes hilarious movies and Tina Fey writes some genius t.v., but there’s nothing...NOTHING...quite like a fart joke.
Parks and Recreation: Jerry's "Fart Attack"-See, even a hit tv show resorts to the fart for a laugh.
Farting Preacher-An oldie but a goodie.
Farting Old Man Returns- Strangers+Farting Old Man= Hilarity.
TV Farts- It's nice to see that famous people are "Just Like Us" (tm)
Note from the author: [This blog is late. I know. We at LadyPantz have had a busy week filming some goodies for you! I would hope that all two of my readers can find it in their hearts to forgive me.]
Sometimes bad stuff happens. And sometimes good stuff happens. And sometimes it's really hard to keep those things in perspective....to not let the bad feel heavier than the good. I personally have had an outstanding year, but I wouldn't be able to appreciate all the amazing things that have happened if those terrible things that happened weren't there to remind me. Since it's November, which is almost December, which is basically the end of the year, I find myself getting all thankful and reflective. So, I thought I would make a personal Best/Worst list of this past year that we are about to say goodbye to. Sound good? Here we go....
I’d like to ponder upon a subject that may cause quite a stir. Today I was speaking with a coworker relaying to her a ridiculous thing I had done (which is a common occurrence) and I almost used a word to describe myself when I stopped mid-sentence and thought, “Oh shit, maybe I shouldn’t use this word…but I’m talking about myself so it should be okay…well crap now too much time has passed and it’s awkward.” So in true Hanie form I proceeded to inaudibly trail off and walk away like a crazy person on the sidewalk...