Well folks, this conversation between my reproductive organs and my brain has officially taken place against my will. ..
Things haven't quite turned out that way yet, and now I'm at a bit of a crossroads. My amazing boyfriend Dan and I have been best friends for 8 years, been dating for 4 1/2, been living together for 3, have a dog, are super in love blah blah blah, and he is definitely the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, but we're not married. Until last month, he was officially married to someone else (which may or may not have been related to a green card situation and for legal reasons I can not comment further on this) so I can't say if we would have been married by now because that's just never even been a possibility for us, but I will say that he's the only person I've ever even considered taking that step with. I will also say that he's my boo and I couldn't be happier, and until he came along I scoffed at the idea of having kids.
Whenever I think about having kids, (which is every single frickin day now thanks to the ticking time bomb inside me that just woke up out of the blue and hasn't shut up since) I think I couldn't possibly afford to do it. As an actor, who STILL has to have a day job, I can barely pay my bills sometimes. Other times, I'm rolling in the dough. In this profession, there is no guarantee that will ever change. I don't want to be the kind of mom who feeds her kid breast milk until he's 12 just because we couldn't afford to wean him off it. I'm pretty good at crochet, but I'd really like to avoid guaranteeing my child will be the weird one in the homemade yarn pants with matching crochet lunch bag just because we couldn't afford back to school clothes. He's already got a 93% chance of being the weird one just by being equal parts me and Dan.
I'd love to not worry about this. I'd love to just take all the time in the world to make the money I want to make and buy a house with a yard near a good school then intentionally start a family. Unfortunately, I don't really have that option. I'm not super young anymore, and that's not necessarily how it goes in an actor's life. Any day now, either one of us could land a huge TV show and never have to worry again. But just as easily, there's a chance that neither one of us ever will. I personally don't like to think that way, but when you are talking about bringing a life into this world, it seems irresponsible not to be concerned about it.
And I'm old as balls. Did I mention this? I am not a spring chicken. I could very possibly be ruining my chances of ever having a family if I don't start trying now. I have a certain amount of birth control left before I need to go to the hoo-ha doctor and have an exam and go through THAT whole embarrassing thing, and I'm kind of thinking I should just go off birth control when I run out and just leave it up to fate. If we're supposed to have a baby, the timing will be right, my body will make one, and that will be that. And if we're not, well no big deal. I just don't want to wake up at 45, sad that I intentionally prevented any possible pregnancies from happening, and STILL be an actor who has to have a day job. GROSS. I should also mention that Dan feels exactly the same way as I do. We honestly go back and forth about it every day. Sometimes we look at our friends' kids and nod knowingly at each other and think of all the ways we'd be the best parents ever. And sometimes the dishes haven't been done and we wake up at noon and and the dog needs to go out and we're like "Not it!" and we just go back to sleep.
You guys, I need help! I'd love to hear your opinion on this. Am I simply being a victim of biology and having kids isn't really that big of a deal or will I be super sad if I don't procreate? Is it irresponsible to stop using birth control if you aren't 100% positive that you are ready to have kids, but you also aren't 100% positive that you aren't? How much is a diaper? Can you feed a family of 4 on breast milk alone, and if so, is it delicious? How many Party Pizzas a day should I consume during pregnancy? Seriously Pantzers, please help me.