I’m writing this from inside the DMV. No I did not get locked in and no I am not trapped. Although anytime you go to the DMV one cannot help but feel captured. I may be here for hours, as I did not schedule an appointment. Silly girl! Who are these people around me? What will I do? Did I bring my snacks?... Yes. Water?... Yes. Well, at least I have that. Too bad I’m not hungry and drinking only takes 10 seconds at most. But what will I do with the rest of my time?
I walked in and took a good long look at my surroundings- crowded, colorful, and bustling. I chose not to sit beside tattooed-face guy and instead I’m sitting next to the nice harmless looking older couple. Is that wrong of me? I hope the older couple isn’t sick. The last thing I need right now is to contract a germ. I’m moving soon and CANNOT get sick. I don’t believe in hand sanitizer but now would be an excellent time to use it. Dammit, I should’ve sat beside tattooed-faced guy. He looks young, spry and flu-free. I hope the older couple isn’t reading this while I’m writing...Phew, nope.
Where do all of these people come from? I bet that couple over there just got married. The girl is probably changing her name on her driver’s license. How sweet that her husband came with her. If I had to change my name and run all over the city filling out paperwork you best believe I’d be dragging my husbands ass right along with me. We should both bear the burden right?
That guy’s wearing pajama pants. Hmmm…pj's in public. I understand wanting to be comfortable but I have a general rule about pajama pants, especially plaid ones: if I have to drive somewhere, I put my real pants on. I guess it’s possible he could've walked here in which case he would not be breaking the Hanie Lynch official rule, but he’s in his 30’s. For crying out loud, put some jeans on or a cargo pant at the very least. Wow, I think he may not be wearing any underwear. Really?! Stop looking at his crotch Hanie. I wonder what kind of underwear that heavyset woman is wearing. I hope it’s a red lacy thong. I love it when a large woman owns her body. You go hot momma! Oh shit, she just caught me smiling at her and writing. Great, she probably thinks I’m making fun of her. Nice work Han.
Gosh I really have to go to the bathroom now. Why did I drink that 10 seconds of water? Do I have time to relieve myself? Is that woman with the jeweled leopard bag gonna steal my seat? What number are they on…G121. I’m G135. Wow not bad. I’m more than half way there. When I sat down they were at G102. I guess I should probably just hold it then. Hopefully I won't get a bladder infection.
There are all of these signs up in the building saying to turn off your cell so why is this chick near me talking so loudly on her phone? Apparently the gossip around town is that her manipulative little friend doesn’t realize her actions can cause this guy she’s messing around with to sue her. Sounds like real steamy stuff. This chick isn’t even talking to said manipulative friend but a mutual friend of there’s. It’s the classic girls talking behind their friend’s back situation. Nice! I’d like to take that pink phone and smash it right into the wall and then look at her with crazy eyes and point to one of the many turn off cell phone signs. I wonder if everyone else would applaud. Or would I get kicked out and have wasted an hour of my time at the DMV? I mean she was the one breaking the rules first. I’m just the one enforcing them.
I better make sure there is nothing in my teeth. How can there not be a mirror here? Don’t they know that hundreds of people get their photos taken everyday??? A mirror would be a nice courtesy. I hope the next person I go to is nice. The first woman I spoke with was absolutely straight-faced. I tried so hard to make eye contact and smile but no dice. I don’t blame her though. She has to deal with assholes like us all day. Oh, shoot I’m next!
(Pause for G135)
(17 minutes later)
Well slap me silly! That was actually quite enjoyable! They must’ve had a staff meeting at the beginning of the New Year to pump up the pleasantries toward their clientele. I was greeted with smiles and thank yous and even directions to the photo area. And the photographer was nice too! What a lovely surprise. And even though there wasn’t a mirror near the camera, I still feel pretty good about the situation. I was in and out in less than 2 hours. You know, after this experience…I’d probably come back.
By the way, I’m in my car now and feeling great that I’m no longer driving illegally. My license is finally up to date. Thank you DMV and thank you readers for assisting me on this journey. You bet your ass I took you all with me to the DMV. I mean we should all bear the burden right???